English is not easy

Written by D

Beginner:
Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?

Intermediate:
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

Advanced:
Three swiss witchbitches, which wished to be switched swiss witchbitches, wish to watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witchbitch which wishes to be a switched swiss witchbitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?

engrish

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Good reasons for drinking at work

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  1. It's an incentive to show up.
  2. It reduces stress.
  3. It leads to more honest communications.
  4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
  5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.
  6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.
  7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
  8. It encourages carpooling.
  9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
  10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
  11. It makes fellow employees look better.
  12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
  13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
  14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
  15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn't so embarrassing.
  16. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
  17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
  18. Everyone agrees they work better after they've had a couple of drinks.
  19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
  20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.
  21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.
  22. The janitor's closet will finally have a use.
  23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
  24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as "gross."
  25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.
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R U intelligent

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Only great minds can read this. This is weird, but interesting!

fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid too Cna yuo raed tihs?

Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg.

The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.

The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm.

Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if you can raed tihs forwrad it

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Chinese dictionary

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MUST BE READ OUT LOUD

Dung On Mai Shu   I stepped in excrement 
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu   Let's sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne   I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu   A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat   You need a face lift
Dum Gai   A stupid person
Gun Pao Der   An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung   Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding   We have reason to believe you are hiding a fugitive
Kum Hia   Approach me
Lao Zi   Not very good
Lin Ching   An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding   A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn   A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai   A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be   A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne   A small horse
Ten Ding Ba   Serving drinks to people
Wa Shing Kah   Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim   Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting   There is no reason to raise your voice
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Life After 40

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You know your are growing older when:

  • Everything hurts and what dosent't hurt dosen't work
  • You get winded playing chess
  • Your children begin to look middle aged
  • You begin to outlive enthusiasm
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can'y meet
  • You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions
  • You look forward to a dull evening
  • You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going
  • Your knees buckles and your belt won't
  • You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation
  • Dialing long distance wears you out
  • Your back goes out more than you do
  • You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones
  • You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there
  • The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off
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Thought for the day

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Life at work is like tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.

Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.

The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.

The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

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The Whiskey Story

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an

Old Smuggler told

Sir William that he saw

Paul Jones take

Lord Calverts daugther

Queen Anne out riding on his

White Horse down to

Royal Castle near

House of Lords and for a

Silver Dollar he laid her on the

Green Carpet with her

Bottom up and tickled her

Old Drum with

Three Feathers and took out his

Johnny Walker which was hard as a

Canadian Club and put it in her

Red Hackle and gave her a shot of

Cream of Kentucky which started

Wilkin's Family

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The Murphy Law

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  • When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will.
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it.
  • If you fool around with something long enough, it will eventually break.
  • Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first.
  • If you explain something so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
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The stress calendar

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Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Friday Friday Meeting
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 12 11 10 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
30 29 28 27 26 25 24
37 36 35 34 33 32 31
  1. All urgent jobs are to be delivered yesterday. With this special calendar you can order it on the 7th and get it back on the 3rd.
  2. Most jobs are to be finished on a friday, therefore there are three fridays in every week.
  3. Six new days in every month is added to manage the panic-jobs at the end of the month.
  4. There are no 1st in the month - and that way we avoid late delivery of last months last minute panic-jobs.
  5. "Blue-monday" is taken away together with none productive saturdays and sundays.
  6. Friday the 13th does not exist.
  7. A new day - meetingday - has been added so that the panic can be kept alive on regular days.
  8. Let other specialists take care of the regular work and other routine jobs, so that you can concentrate on the rush jobs and the creative production.
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The Database

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Everyone knows that a Data Base is a comprehensive collection of libraries of datum arranged through chaining techniques in a hierarcahl network structure of sets and sub-sets such that every sub-set of a set is of a lower rank than the data of the set to which it is logically related relative to the performance of pre-determined particular functions with the concomitant elimination of redundancy & expanded retrieval options facilitated by the hierarchal segment organisations within a Record !

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Who's yer Daddy !

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When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support. The following are all replies that have been written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing the father's details. These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

  1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
  2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.
  3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 360 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
  4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.
  5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
  6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
  7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all black men look the same to me.
  8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time....well I don't have a clue.
  9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
  10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.
  11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
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Mistakes

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People who do lots of work... make lots of mistakes

 

Les personnes qui travaillent beaucoup font beaucoup d'erreurs

 

People who do less work... make less mistakes

 

Les personnes qui travaillent moins font moins d'erreurs

 

People who do not work... make no mistakes

 

Les personnes qui ne travaillent pas ne font pas d'erreurs

 

People who make no mistakes... get promoted

 

Les personnes qui ne font pas d'erreurs sont promus

 

That's why some people spend most of their time sending e-mails & playing games at work They need a promotion.

 

C'est pourquoi les personnes passe mon temps à envoyer des messages & jouer au travail Les personnes veux une promotion

 

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This week

Written by D

 Monday         fun headbangfun_headbangfun_headbangfun_headbangfun_headbang

Tuesday        fun_headbangfun_headbangfun_headbangfun_headbang

Wednesday    fun_headbangfun_headbangfun_headbang

Thursday        fun_headbangfun_headbang

Friday          fun_headbang  ...12.30 fun_trippingfun_glass1fun_trippingfun_trippingfun_glass2fun_tripping

Saturday      fun_drinkingfun_glass2fun_glass3    ...20.00 fun_glass2fun_glass1fun_glass3fun_party ...03.00   fun_glass2fun_glass1fun_glass3fun_glass2fun_dance

Sunday            fun_hangover

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Understanding Engineers

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Take one

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,"Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Take Seven

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that: " If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." -Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

Written by D

How Smart is Your Right Foot?

Written by D

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

  1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
  2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction if you want to drink wine this evening !
And there's nothing you can do about it!

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Computer's sex

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Five reasons to believe computers are female:

  1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with each other is incomprehensible to everyone else
  3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
  4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

  1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless
  2. They are supposed to solve problems, but half the time they are the problem
  3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
  4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Written by D

Computer Heavan and hell

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In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.

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Heavan and hell

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In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian !

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Superman

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Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party. He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pickup some girls. Batman said that Robin was ill & he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers but Spiderman had a date with Catwoman. As last resort Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet! I can be there, have sex & out again before she knew what happened".

So Superman did his super thing in a split second & flies off happily.Meanwile on the bed, Wonderwoman said "Did you hear anything?", and Invisible Man replied "No! But my ass hurts like hell

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Blondes meet

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There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.

The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off.

A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

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Speed

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A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip.

When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

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Mom knows

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Pete invited his mother over for dinner.

During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome Pete's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Pete's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Pete and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Pete volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Rob and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Rob came to Pete and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Pete said "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Pete

Several days later, Pete received a letter from his mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rob, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Rob. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.

Written by D

Sex ?

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A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.
Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."

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Madeleine or Gudmund

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Kjell Magne Bondevik goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton.
After dinner, Bill says to Kjell " Well Kjell, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant."

"How do you know?" asks Kjell Magne

"Oh well, it's simple", says Bill. "They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second". He calls Madeleine Albright over and says to her: "Tell me Madeleine, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Ah, that's simple Mr. President", says Madeleine, "it is me!"

"Well done Madeleine," says Clinton and Kjell Magne Bondevik is very impressed.

Kjell Magne Bondevik returns to Oslo and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Lars Sponheim and says: "Lars, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

Lars thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer.
"Can I think about it a bit further Kjell ? May I let you know tomorrow?"

"Of course," says Bondevik, "you've got 24 hours."

Lars Sponheim goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team but no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Lars is very worried still no answer and only 4 hours to go.

Eventually Lars Sponheim says "I'll ask Gudmund Restad, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Restad.

"Gudmund," he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Very simple", says Gudmund, "it's me!"

"Of course" says Lars and rings Kjell Magne Bondevik.

"Kjell Magne", says Lars, "I've got the answer: it's Gudmund Restad".

"No you idiot", says Bondevik, "it's Madeleine Albright".

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Feel like a woman

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On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!"

"I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her.

He extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

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200 000 times

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Maggie's first pregnancy had produced triplets.

With considerable pride she was telling her blonde friend how this happened once in every 200,000 times.

The blonde's eyes widened: "Beats me how you ever found time to do any housework!"

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Alligator

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A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer.

The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!

True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!".

However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?". "Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!"

The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth.

The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG".

As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowley closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to try this?"

A blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard".

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Mexico

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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.

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Dear Signore Diritore

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Dear Signore Diritore
As a young christian man I comma to your hotella for staia there fo ona nigt.
Whena i comma to my room, i see there is no shit in my beda, no one can sleep whit no shit in there beda. So i calla down to receptione and say: I wonna shit.
They say: Go to toilett.
I say: No you dont understanda, i wanna shit in my beda.
They say: You better not shit in your bed, your sonnowa bitch.

What is a sonnaw bitch?

Then i goa to your ristorante for breakfast. I asked for egg, and two pissis of toast. I gat only one piss. So i tella waitres: I wanna piss.
She say: Go to toilett.
I say: No no, i wanna piss on the plate.
She say: You better not piss on the plate, your sonnowa bitch.

Seconda people who dont even know me called me sonnowa bitch. When i go for dinner, i spoon and knife on my table, but no fuck so i tella waitress: i wanna fuck.
She sayd: Shure, everyone wanna fuck.
I sayd: No no you missunderstand me, iwanna fuck on the table.
She said: So, you wanna fuck on the table your sonnowa bitch, get your ash out of here.

So i go to reciptione and ask for the billi i wanna no more stand at your hotella.
When i leaw the portiere say to me: Travle in pice.
I say: Piss on yourself your sonnowa bitch. So i go back to Napoli and never more comma back to your hotella your sonnawa bitch.

Sincerely Enriko Morelli

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3 nuns

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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini"
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

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Dead birds fly

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One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where???

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Ear and nose

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I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?'

I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...*

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Flight info

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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

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Pizza

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While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

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Norskeste ord og ordtrykk

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Ikke rot i virkeligheten = no mess in reality

Svin på skogen = pigs in the forrest

Will do = vilt toalett = utedo

Jeg kjenner lusa på gangen = I know the flea on the walk

Me blåse pitla meg vekk = We are pittle me blowing away.

Idag regner det pinadø godt = Today the rain is pain dying good.

Hell i uhell = hell in unhell

God bedring, alle sammen = Good bed ring, all together

The fast window were on its way into the cutting garden!

He rushed down the staircase = Han røska ned starekassen

It goes over head not duck= det går over hodet ikke an 

Tenk ikke det og = denke nicht das und...

Vriompeis = Turn around fireplace

Jeg har fått en ny brannbil = I`ve got an brand new car

There is hope in hanging snøre

Flytt you before I hiv you vekk

Ja det skal jeg jammen fotografaensteikemegfere 

Stå fast som pinn i kuskit = Stuck like stick in shit

Ugler i mosen = Owls in Moss

Gå på limpinnen = Walk on the gluestick

Stå på pinne = stand on a stick

Snakke rett fra leveren = talk directly from the liver

Kjøpe katta i sekken = buying the cat in the bag

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Bjørnetjeneste

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Dagens ord er : Bjørnetjeneste. 
Det betyr at noen ønsker å gjøre det i beste mening men feiler grundig, og henspeiler også på at man ikke bør velge en dum som sin venn.

Opprinnelsen er en historie om en bjørn som skylder en gartner en tjeneste fordi gartneren hjalp bjørnen. En dag sover gartneren og en flue setter seg på nesen. Bjørnen tar en stein for å drepe fluen. Det går jo bra, men bjørnen dreper også gartneren. Større bjørnetjeneste finnes ikke. Man vinner slaget men taper krigen.

Dette er en vandrehistorie som finnes i varianter i Europa, Afrika og Asia (da gjerne med ape istedenfor bjørn).

L'Ours et l'amateur des jardins. The Bear and the Gardener. Medvezhya usluga. Le pavé de l'ours. Ljósvetninga saga.

Flere land bruker ordet om en tjeneste som var vel ment men endte dårlig. Dansker kan misforstå historien og bruker ordet i enkelte sammenhenger om en stor tjeneste (som ender vel). Ungdom kan også bruke ordet om noe stort som gikk bra. Derfor omtales det som et pendelord - fordi dansker og ungdom kan bruke ordet i motsatt betydning.

Britisk variant er at de lager sitt eget vers om "The Hermit and the bear" som går slik:

Once a bear had a thorn in his foot (as they term it),
Which it seems was extracted from thence by a hermit:
So the beast felt so grateful, and pleased with the dervise,
That he offer’d to enter quite into his service.

So the hermit consented, at length, to the plan.
“Now then,” thought the bear, “I must do what I can
To make myself useful; and glad I shall be
If a service in turn shall be render’d by me.”

Not long after this, as the hermit was sleeping,
And the bear was the watch with great vigilance keeping;
On the nose of the former alighted a fly;
“O now,” thought the bear, “my best skill I must try.”

So he lifted his paw, and completed the process,
But crush’d with the fly his poor patron’s proboscis!
Up started the hermit—”Base villain,” said he,
“Is this the reward for my goodness to thee?”

The bear felt confounded, as any one would,
But explain’d the transaction as well as he could.
Said the hermit “Should flies settle on me again,
Be so kind, if you please, as to let them remain.
For I’d rather bave fifty of them on my nose,
Than one of your friendly but terrible blows.”

Let us always take heed, when we render a service,
That we serve not our friend as the bear did the dervise:
Some ills had much better, we know, be endured,
Than the pain, or the danger, of having them cured.

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Bagga

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Dagens ord er "Bagga" 

Bagga ble brukt av vikinger til å ta med seg ting i.

Vikingene dro til England og slo folk hardt i hodet mens de sa Bagga Bagga Bagga og pekte på den tingen de hadde andre ting i. Det er klart at britene forsto at de måtte bruke ordet.

"Bag" ble det, og nå tusen år senere er hevnen søtere enn poteter.... vi har fått ordet tilbake i litt kortere form enn det vikingene brakte med seg ut, men betydningen er den samme. "Bagga" og "Bag" er begge ting til å ha andre ting i.

En kuriositet er at på 90-tallet så dukket ordet "Bagga" opp igjen blant engelsk ungdom feks Manchester, men nå i betydningen "bag of shite"....

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