Notes from parents

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Real notes written by parents. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exude lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being Absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak..

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

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Kjensgjerningene opphører ikke å eksistere fordi de blir ignorert.

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Taushet er det vanskligste argument å gjendrive.

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Hode og rumpe

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Det hender ikke ofte
men det kan dog slumpe,
at noen får til hode
hva andre får til rumpe.

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Francis Bacon

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  • Penger er som møkk, de er ikke godt til noe uten at de blir spredt.
  • Den beste måten å bevare minnet om gode gjerninger på, er å friske dem opp med nye.
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Grønt gress

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Gresset er alltid grønnere på andre siden av plenen.

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Millitærregimer løser ikke problemer - de skyter bare på dem.

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Benjamin "Dizzy" Disraeli

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Som alle store reisende, har jeg sett mer enn jeg husker, og husker mer enn jeg har sett.

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Fjerne tvil

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Det er bedre å holde kjeften og bli mistenkt for å være idiot enn å åpne den og fjerne enhver tvil.

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The Not To Be Millionaire

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NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family when she set a new standard with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'

After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:
'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.' Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant. 'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.' Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. 'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it.' To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.' 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life. 'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

millionaire 1millionaire 2

millionaire 3millionaire 4

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Virkeligheten er en tilstand som skyldes mangel på alkohol.

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Ideer slår alt

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Det er nytteløst å sende armèer mot idèer.

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it,  he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again  and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she  looks good enough, I'll go home."

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Carl Sandburg

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Fortiden er en bøtte med aske.

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Police Comments

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Actual statements from police car videos :

1. You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.

2. Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.

3. If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

4. If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.

5. Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you'

6. You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?

7. Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?

8. Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket..

9. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

10. Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.

11. Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.

12. In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.

13. How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?

14. No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.

15. I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post you r bail.

16. You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.

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Amerikanske rettsaler

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Advokat: -Er de seksuelt aktiv?
Vitne: -Nei, jeg bare ligger der.

Advokat: - Hva er fødselsdatoen Deres?
Vitne: - 18.juli.
Advokat: - Hvilket år?
Vitne: - Hvert år.

Advokat: - Hvor gammel er sønnen Deres, han som fortsatt bor hos Dem?
Vitne: - 38 eller 35, jeg husker ikke sikkert..
Advokat: - Hvor lenge har han bodd hos Dem?
Vitne: - I 45 år.

Advokat: - Hva var det første Deres mann sa til Dem i dag morges?
Vitne: - Han sa: "Hvor er jeg, Cathy?"
Advokat: - Og hvorfor uroliget det Dem?
Vitne: - Navnet mitt er Susan.

Advokat: - Si meg, doktor, er det ikke slik at når en person dør i søvne, så vet han ikke om det før neste morgen?
Vitne: - Har De bestått juridisk embetseksamen?

Advokat: - Den yngste sønnen, 21 åringen, hvor gammel er han?
Vitne: - Eh > ...> han er 21.

Advokat: - Var De til stede da De ble fotografert?
Vitne: - Kødder'u med meg?

Advokat: - Så barnets unnfangelse fant altså sted 8.august?
Vitne: - Ja.
Advokat: - Og hva gjorde du på dette tidspunktet?
Vitne: - Eh > ...> jeg ble knullet

Advokat: - Hun hadde altså tre barn, riktig?
Vitne: - Ja.
Advokat: - Hvor mange var gutter?
Vitne: - Ingen av dem.
Advokat: - Var noen av dem jenter?
Vitne: - Kødder'u med meg? Dommer jeg tror jeg trenger en ny advokat. Kan jeg få en ny advokat?

Advokat: - Kan De beskrive dette individet?
Vitne: - Han var cirka middels høy og hadde skjegg.
Advokat: - Var dette en mann eller kvinne?
Vitne: - Gjett.
Advokat: - Er De istand til å avgi en urinprøve?
Vitne: - Eh> ...> .. er De i stand til å stille det spørsmålet?
Advokat: - Hvordan ble Deres første ekteskap avsluttet?
Vitne: - Ved døden.
Advokat: - Og ved hvem sin død ble det avsluttet?
Vitne: - Ved hvem sin død tror du det ble avsluttet?

Advokat: - Doktor, hvor mange obduksjoner har De foretatt på døde mennesker?
Vitnet: - Alle mine obduksjoner har vært foretatt på døde mennesker. Vil de at jeg skal gjenta det?

Advokat: - Husker De på hvilket tidspunkt De obduserte avdøde?
Vitne: - Obduksjonen begynte rundt halv ni på kvelden.
Advokat: - Var Mr. Denton død på dette tidspunktet?
Vitne: - Nei, han satt på bordet og lurte på hvorfor jeg obduserte ham.

Advokat: - Doktor, før de foretok obduksjonen, sjekket De om avdøde hadde puls?
Vitne: - Nei
Advokat: - Sjekket de blodtrykket?
Vitne: - Nei
Advokat: - Sjekket De om vedkommende pustet?
Vitne: - Nei
Advokat: - Så det kan altså tenkes at pasienten var i live da De begynte obduksjonen?
Vitne: - Nei
Advokat: - Hvordan kan De være så sikker, doktor?
Vitne: - Fordi hjernen hans befant seg i et glass på skrivebordet mitt.
Advokat: - Jeg skjønner, men kan det likevel tenkes at pasienten var i live?
Vitne: - Ja, det kan tenkes at han var i live og drev advokatpraksis.

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Man går aldri så langt som når man ikke lenger vet hvor man skal hen.

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De fleste konservative er ikke dumme, men de fleste dumme er konservative.

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Satire er kunsten å tråkke en mann på tærne slik at han kjenner det, men uten at han hyler opp.

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Oscar Wilde

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Det er personligheter, ikke prinsipper, som får tidene til å forandre seg.

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Tretthet og søvn er vitenskapens fiende.

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Report card notes from teachers

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Actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village some where of an 'idiot'.

5. Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others

12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.

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Store oppgaver skal man ta fatt på, ikke overveie.

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Queen Victoria

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I will be good.

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