Fjerne tvil

Written by D

Det er bedre å holde kjeften og bli mistenkt for å være idiot enn å åpne den og fjerne enhver tvil.

Written by D

The Not To Be Millionaire

Written by D

NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family when she set a new standard with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'

After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:
'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.' Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant. 'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.' Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. 'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it.' To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.' 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life. 'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

millionaire 1millionaire 2

millionaire 3millionaire 4

Written by D

Virkelig

Written by D

Virkeligheten er en tilstand som skyldes mangel på alkohol.

Written by D

Ideer slår alt

Written by D

Det er nytteløst å sende armèer mot idèer.

Written by D

Courage

Written by D

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it,  he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again  and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she  looks good enough, I'll go home."

Written by D

Carl Sandburg

Written by D

Fortiden er en bøtte med aske.

Written by D

Police Comments

Written by D

Actual statements from police car videos :

1. You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.

2. Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.

3. If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

4. If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.

5. Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you'

6. You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?

7. Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?

8. Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket..

9. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

10. Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.

11. Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.

12. In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.

13. How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?

14. No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.

15. I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post you r bail.

16. You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.

Written by D

Amerikanske rettsaler

Written by D

Advokat: -Er de seksuelt aktiv?
Vitne: -Nei, jeg bare ligger der.

Advokat: - Hva er fødselsdatoen Deres?
Vitne: - 18.juli.
Advokat: - Hvilket år?
Vitne: - Hvert år.

Advokat: - Hvor gammel er sønnen Deres, han som fortsatt bor hos Dem?
Vitne: - 38 eller 35, jeg husker ikke sikkert..
Advokat: - Hvor lenge har han bodd hos Dem?
Vitne: - I 45 år.

Advokat: - Hva var det første Deres mann sa til Dem i dag morges?
Vitne: - Han sa: "Hvor er jeg, Cathy?"
Advokat: - Og hvorfor uroliget det Dem?
Vitne: - Navnet mitt er Susan.

Advokat: - Si meg, doktor, er det ikke slik at når en person dør i søvne, så vet han ikke om det før neste morgen?
Vitne: - Har De bestått juridisk embetseksamen?

Advokat: - Den yngste sønnen, 21 åringen, hvor gammel er han?
Vitne: - Eh > ...> han er 21.

Advokat: - Var De til stede da De ble fotografert?
Vitne: - Kødder'u med meg?

Advokat: - Så barnets unnfangelse fant altså sted 8.august?
Vitne: - Ja.
Advokat: - Og hva gjorde du på dette tidspunktet?
Vitne: - Eh > ...> jeg ble knullet

Advokat: - Hun hadde altså tre barn, riktig?
Vitne: - Ja.
Advokat: - Hvor mange var gutter?
Vitne: - Ingen av dem.
Advokat: - Var noen av dem jenter?
Vitne: - Kødder'u med meg? Dommer jeg tror jeg trenger en ny advokat. Kan jeg få en ny advokat?

Advokat: - Kan De beskrive dette individet?
Vitne: - Han var cirka middels høy og hadde skjegg.
Advokat: - Var dette en mann eller kvinne?
Vitne: - Gjett.
Advokat: - Er De istand til å avgi en urinprøve?
Vitne: - Eh> ...> .. er De i stand til å stille det spørsmålet?
Advokat: - Hvordan ble Deres første ekteskap avsluttet?
Vitne: - Ved døden.
Advokat: - Og ved hvem sin død ble det avsluttet?
Vitne: - Ved hvem sin død tror du det ble avsluttet?

Advokat: - Doktor, hvor mange obduksjoner har De foretatt på døde mennesker?
Vitnet: - Alle mine obduksjoner har vært foretatt på døde mennesker. Vil de at jeg skal gjenta det?

Advokat: - Husker De på hvilket tidspunkt De obduserte avdøde?
Vitne: - Obduksjonen begynte rundt halv ni på kvelden.
Advokat: - Var Mr. Denton død på dette tidspunktet?
Vitne: - Nei, han satt på bordet og lurte på hvorfor jeg obduserte ham.

Advokat: - Doktor, før de foretok obduksjonen, sjekket De om avdøde hadde puls?
Vitne: - Nei
Advokat: - Sjekket de blodtrykket?
Vitne: - Nei
Advokat: - Sjekket De om vedkommende pustet?
Vitne: - Nei
Advokat: - Så det kan altså tenkes at pasienten var i live da De begynte obduksjonen?
Vitne: - Nei
Advokat: - Hvordan kan De være så sikker, doktor?
Vitne: - Fordi hjernen hans befant seg i et glass på skrivebordet mitt.
Advokat: - Jeg skjønner, men kan det likevel tenkes at pasienten var i live?
Vitne: - Ja, det kan tenkes at han var i live og drev advokatpraksis.

Written by D

Fr.Voltaire

Written by D

Man går aldri så langt som når man ikke lenger vet hvor man skal hen.

Written by D

Tja...

Written by D

De fleste konservative er ikke dumme, men de fleste dumme er konservative.

Written by D