Alligator

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer.

The bartender says «Sorry sir. You can’t bring that alligator in here! It’s a dangerous animal, and you’re scaring all of the patrons!

True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. «But wait!» he cried, «this alligator is tame! It wouldn’t hurt anyone!».

However, the bartender is adamant. «If», the man continues, «I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?». «Well, I guess so», says the bartender, «however, you’re going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!»

The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. «Ralph!», he shouts, «Sit up!» With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist «BANG BANG BANG». And the alligator rears up on its tail. «Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG». And the alligator opened it’s huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth.

The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. «Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON’T BITE! BANG BANG BANG».

As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowley closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says «Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!» and the alligators mouth opens wide again. «There,» says the man to the crowd, » now would anyone else like to try this?»

A blonde in the back says «Yeah, I’ll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard».

Brendan Shanahan

Hockey players need to have the strength and power of a football player, the stamina of a marathon runner, and the concentration of a brain surgeon. They need to put all this together while moving at high speeds on a cold and slippery surface standing on blades 1/8 of an inch thick while 5 other guys use clubs to try and kill them. 

Mother-in-law

A young man excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, «Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancée and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.»

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, «Okay, Ma. Guess which one I’m going to marry.»

She immediately replies, «The red-head in the middle.»

«That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right, how did you know?»

«I don’t like her.»

Norskeste ord og ordtrykk

Ikke rot i virkeligheten = no mess in reality

Svin på skogen = pigs in the forrest

Will do = vilt toalett = utedo

Jeg kjenner lusa på gangen = I know the flea on the walk

Me blåse pitla meg vekk = We are pittle me blowing away.

Idag regner det pinadø godt = Today the rain is pain dying good.

Hell i uhell = hell in unhell

God bedring, alle sammen = Good bed ring, all together

The fast window were on its way into the cutting garden!

He rushed down the staircase = Han røska ned starekassen

It goes over head not duck= det går over hodet ikke an 

Tenk ikke det og = denke nicht das und…

Vriompeis = Turn around fireplace

Jeg har fått en ny brannbil = I`ve got an brand new car

There is hope in hanging snøre

Flytt you before I hiv you vekk

Ja det skal jeg jammen fotografaensteikemegfere 

Stå fast som pinn i kuskit = Stuck like stick in shit

Ugler i mosen = Owls in Moss

Gå på limpinnen = Walk on the gluestick

Stå på pinne = stand on a stick

Snakke rett fra leveren = talk directly from the liver

Kjøpe katta i sekken = buying the cat in the bag