3 nuns

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, «Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, «I want to be Sophia Loren;» And *poof* she’s gone.

The second says, «I want to be Madonna and *poof* she’s gone.

The third says, «I want to be Sara Pipalini»
St. Peter looks perplexed. «Who?» he ask «Sara Pipalini;» replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, «I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.»
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
«No sister, the paper says it was the ‘ Sahara Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months.»

Speed

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, «If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?» She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip.

When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. «Go get help.», he pleads.

She replies, «I can’t, I’m naked.»

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says «Cover your snatch with that and go get help.» She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, «HELP! HELP! My boyfriend’s stuck!»

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, «I’m sorry Miss. He’s too far in.»

Madeleine or Gudmund

Kjell Magne Bondevik goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton.
After dinner, Bill says to Kjell » Well Kjell, I don’t know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant.»

«How do you know?» asks Kjell Magne

«Oh well, it’s simple», says Bill. «They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second». He calls Madeleine Albright over and says to her: «Tell me Madeleine, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?»

«Ah, that’s simple Mr. President», says Madeleine, «it is me!»

«Well done Madeleine,» says Clinton and Kjell Magne Bondevik is very impressed.

Kjell Magne Bondevik returns to Oslo and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Lars Sponheim and says: «Lars, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?»

Lars thinks and thinks and doesn’t know the answer.
«Can I think about it a bit further Kjell ? May I let you know tomorrow?»

«Of course,» says Bondevik, «you’ve got 24 hours.»

Lars Sponheim goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team but no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Lars is very worried still no answer and only 4 hours to go.

Eventually Lars Sponheim says «I’ll ask Gudmund Restad, he’s clever, he’ll know the answer.» He calls Restad.

«Gudmund,» he says, «tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?»

«Very simple», says Gudmund, «it’s me!»

«Of course» says Lars and rings Kjell Magne Bondevik.

«Kjell Magne», says Lars, «I’ve got the answer: it’s Gudmund Restad».

«No you idiot», says Bondevik, «it’s Madeleine Albright».

Computer Heavan and hell

In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.

The Whiskey Story

an

Old Smuggler told

Sir William that he saw

Paul Jones take

Lord Calverts daugther

Queen Anne out riding on his

White Horse down to

Royal Castle near

House of Lords and for a

Silver Dollar he laid her on the

Green Carpet with her

Bottom up and tickled her

Old Drum with

Three Feathers and took out his

Johnny Walker which was hard as a

Canadian Club and put it in her

Red Hackle and gave her a shot of

Cream of Kentucky which started

Wilkin’s Family