Great service at the gate

An award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett’s 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a longline  of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, «I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS.» The attendant replied, «I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these people first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out. » The passenger was unimpressed.

He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,  «DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?»

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: «May I have your attention please,» she began – her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

«We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14.»

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said «F*** You!»

Without flinching, she smiled and said, «I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that, too».

Seats for FA Cup final

 A man with tickets to the FA Cup FINAL finds his seat and relaxes.

 As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. «No», he says. «The seat is empty.»

 «This is incredible,» says the stranger. «Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup FINAL and not use it?»

 «Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup FINAL we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1947.»

 The stranger replies, «Oh…I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible.

Couldn’t you find someone else – a friend or relative, or  even a neighbour to take the seat?»

 «no» replies the man «they’re all at the funeral!»

Report card notes from teachers

Actual comments made on students’ report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village some where of an ‘idiot’.

5. Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a ‘full six-pack’ but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter’s IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming

10. If this student were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.

11. It’s impossible to believe the sperm that created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others

12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.