English is not easy

Beginner:
Three witches watch three Swatch watches. Which witch watches which swatch watch?

Intermediate:
Three switched witches watch three Swatch watch switches. Which switched witch watches which Swatch watch switch?

Advanced:
Three swiss witchbitches, which wished to be switched swiss witchbitches, wish to watch three swiss Swatch watch switches. Which swiss witchbitch which wishes to be a switched swiss witchbitch, wishes to watch which swiss Swatch watch switch?

engrish

Chinese dictionary

MUST BE READ OUT LOUD

Dung On Mai Shu   I stepped in excrement 
Ai Wan Tu Bang Yu   Let's sleep together
Ai Bang Mai Ne   I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu   A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat   You need a face lift
Dum Gai   A stupid person
Gun Pao Der   An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung   Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding   We have reason to believe you are hiding a fugitive
Kum Hia   Approach me
Lao Zi   Not very good
Lin Ching   An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding   A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn   A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai   A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be   A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne   A small horse
Ten Ding Ba   Serving drinks to people
Wa Shing Kah   Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim   Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting   There is no reason to raise your voice

Humans and love

There is story about the greek gods.

They were bored so they invented human beings,

but they were still bored so they invented love.

Then they wernt bored any longer.

So they decided to try love for themselves.

And finally they invented laughter.... so they could stand it...

Science Exam answers

If you need a good laugh, read through these children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

How Smart is Your Right Foot?

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

  1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
  2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction if you want to drink wine this evening !
And there's nothing you can do about it!

Understanding Engineers

Take one

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,"Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Take Three

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George, say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Take Four

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is."

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Take Five

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons. Civil Engineers build targets.

Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Take Seven

"Normal people ... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that: " If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet." -Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

Take Eight

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Take Nine

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

The Database

Everyone knows that a Data Base is a comprehensive collection of libraries of datum arranged through chaining techniques in a hierarcahl network structure of sets and sub-sets such that every sub-set of a set is of a lower rank than the data of the set to which it is logically related relative to the performance of pre-determined particular functions with the concomitant elimination of redundancy & expanded retrieval options facilitated by the hierarchal segment organisations within a Record !