This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes).
Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six-mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise; there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig Bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact.
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exude lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being Absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak..
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.
Report card notes from teachers:
These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded but, boy, are these funny!
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village some where of an 'idiot'.
5. Your son sets low personal standards, and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child, beat out 1,000,000 others
12. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is definitely dead.
These 16 Police Comments
were taken off actual police car videos around the country:
1. You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.
2. Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.
3. If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.
4. If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.
5. Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you'
6. You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?
7. Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?
8. Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket..
9. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?
10. Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.
11. Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.
12. In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.
13. How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?
14. No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.
15. I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post you r bail.
16. You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancée and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma.
Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her."
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.
After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."
An award should go to the Ansett Airlines gate attendant in Sydney for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Ansett flight was cancelled after Ansett's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a longline of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS." The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out. " The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone:
"May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
"We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Ansett attendant, gritted his teeth and said "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too".
A man with tickets to the FA Cup FINAL finds his seat and relaxes.
As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," says the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup FINAL and not use it?"
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Cup FINAL we haven't been to together since we got married in 1947."
The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.
Couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
"no" replies the man "they're all at the funeral!"
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip.
When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."