How Smart is Your Right Foot?

Written by D

This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. And you will keep trying at least 50 more times to see if you can outsmart your foot, but you can't.

  1. While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
  2. Now, while doing this, draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction if you want to drink wine this evening !
And there's nothing you can do about it!

Written by D

Computer's sex

Written by D

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

  1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
  2. The native language they use to communicate with each other is incomprehensible to everyone else
  3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
  4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
  5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

  1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless
  2. They are supposed to solve problems, but half the time they are the problem
  3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
  4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
  5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.
Written by D

Computer Heavan and hell

Written by D

In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.

Written by D

Heavan and hell

Written by D

In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian !

Written by D

Superman

Written by D

Superman was feeling bored after a long break of crime fighting & wanted to go out & party. He called Batman to ask if he wanted to go to a club & pickup some girls. Batman said that Robin was ill & he had to look after him.

A little disappointed, Superman called Spiderman to see if he fancied a few beers but Spiderman had a date with Catwoman. As last resort Superman flew over to Wonderwoman's apartment to see if she was free.

As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonderwoman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet! I can be there, have sex & out again before she knew what happened".

So Superman did his super thing in a split second & flies off happily.Meanwile on the bed, Wonderwoman said "Did you hear anything?", and Invisible Man replied "No! But my ass hurts like hell

Written by D

Blondes meet

Written by D

There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.

The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off.

A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"

Written by D

Speed

Written by D

A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip.

When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.

She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."

He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"

The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."

Written by D

Mom knows

Written by D

Pete invited his mother over for dinner.

During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome Pete's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Pete's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Pete and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Pete volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Rob and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Rob came to Pete and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Pete said "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Pete

Several days later, Pete received a letter from his mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rob, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Rob. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.

Written by D

Sex ?

Written by D

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

Her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs. He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...and he thinks, what the hell and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.
Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs."

Written by D

Madeleine or Gudmund

Written by D

Kjell Magne Bondevik goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton.
After dinner, Bill says to Kjell " Well Kjell, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant."

"How do you know?" asks Kjell Magne

"Oh well, it's simple", says Bill. "They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second". He calls Madeleine Albright over and says to her: "Tell me Madeleine, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Ah, that's simple Mr. President", says Madeleine, "it is me!"

"Well done Madeleine," says Clinton and Kjell Magne Bondevik is very impressed.

Kjell Magne Bondevik returns to Oslo and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet. He calls in Lars Sponheim and says: "Lars, tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

Lars thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer.
"Can I think about it a bit further Kjell ? May I let you know tomorrow?"

"Of course," says Bondevik, "you've got 24 hours."

Lars Sponheim goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his team but no-one knows the answer. 20 hours later, Lars is very worried still no answer and only 4 hours to go.

Eventually Lars Sponheim says "I'll ask Gudmund Restad, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Restad.

"Gudmund," he says, "tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?"

"Very simple", says Gudmund, "it's me!"

"Of course" says Lars and rings Kjell Magne Bondevik.

"Kjell Magne", says Lars, "I've got the answer: it's Gudmund Restad".

"No you idiot", says Bondevik, "it's Madeleine Albright".

Written by D

Feel like a woman

Written by D

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable!"

"I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her.

He extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

Written by D

200 000 times

Written by D

Maggie's first pregnancy had produced triplets.

With considerable pride she was telling her blonde friend how this happened once in every 200,000 times.

The blonde's eyes widened: "Beats me how you ever found time to do any housework!"

Written by D

Alligator

Written by D

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer.

The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons!

True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!".

However, the bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this alligator is not vicious, can he stay?". "Well, I guess so", says the bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to everyone in here that that alligator is tame!"

The man smiles, and leans over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG". And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of gleaming white teeth.

The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth, but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG".

As the man pummels the alligator on the head, the giant mouth slowley closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again. "There," says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to try this?"

A blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to hit me on the head so hard".

Written by D

Mexico

Written by D

Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.

Written by D

Dear Signore Diritore

Written by D

Dear Signore Diritore
As a young christian man I comma to your hotella for staia there fo ona nigt.
Whena i comma to my room, i see there is no shit in my beda, no one can sleep whit no shit in there beda. So i calla down to receptione and say: I wonna shit.
They say: Go to toilett.
I say: No you dont understanda, i wanna shit in my beda.
They say: You better not shit in your bed, your sonnowa bitch.

What is a sonnaw bitch?

Then i goa to your ristorante for breakfast. I asked for egg, and two pissis of toast. I gat only one piss. So i tella waitres: I wanna piss.
She say: Go to toilett.
I say: No no, i wanna piss on the plate.
She say: You better not piss on the plate, your sonnowa bitch.

Seconda people who dont even know me called me sonnowa bitch. When i go for dinner, i spoon and knife on my table, but no fuck so i tella waitress: i wanna fuck.
She sayd: Shure, everyone wanna fuck.
I sayd: No no you missunderstand me, iwanna fuck on the table.
She said: So, you wanna fuck on the table your sonnowa bitch, get your ash out of here.

So i go to reciptione and ask for the billi i wanna no more stand at your hotella.
When i leaw the portiere say to me: Travle in pice.
I say: Piss on yourself your sonnowa bitch. So i go back to Napoli and never more comma back to your hotella your sonnawa bitch.

Sincerely Enriko Morelli

Written by D

3 nuns

Written by D

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.
At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" And *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini"
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he ask "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says.
"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

Written by D

Dead birds fly

Written by D

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where???

Written by D

Ear and nose

Written by D

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?'

I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...*

Written by D

Flight info

Written by D

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...

Written by D

Pizza

Written by D

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.

Written by D

Norskeste ord og ordtrykk

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Ikke rot i virkeligheten = no mess in reality

Svin på skogen = pigs in the forrest

Will do = vilt toalett = utedo

Jeg kjenner lusa på gangen = I know the flea on the walk

Me blåse pitla meg vekk = We are pittle me blowing away.

Idag regner det pinadø godt = Today the rain is pain dying good.

Hell i uhell = hell in unhell

God bedring, alle sammen = Good bed ring, all together

The fast window were on its way into the cutting garden!

He rushed down the staircase = Han røska ned starekassen

It goes over head not duck= det går over hodet ikke an 

Tenk ikke det og = denke nicht das und...

Vriompeis = Turn around fireplace

Jeg har fått en ny brannbil = I`ve got an brand new car

There is hope in hanging snøre

Flytt you before I hiv you vekk

Ja det skal jeg jammen fotografaensteikemegfere 

Stå fast som pinn i kuskit = Stuck like stick in shit

Ugler i mosen = Owls in Moss

Gå på limpinnen = Walk on the gluestick

Stå på pinne = stand on a stick

Snakke rett fra leveren = talk directly from the liver

Kjøpe katta i sekken = buying the cat in the bag

Written by D

Bjørnetjeneste

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Dagens ord er : Bjørnetjeneste. 
Det betyr at noen ønsker å gjøre det i beste mening men feiler grundig, og henspeiler også på at man ikke bør velge en dum som sin venn.

Opprinnelsen er en historie om en bjørn som skylder en gartner en tjeneste fordi gartneren hjalp bjørnen. En dag sover gartneren og en flue setter seg på nesen. Bjørnen tar en stein for å drepe fluen. Det går jo bra, men bjørnen dreper også gartneren. Større bjørnetjeneste finnes ikke. Man vinner slaget men taper krigen.

Dette er en vandrehistorie som finnes i varianter i Europa, Afrika og Asia (da gjerne med ape istedenfor bjørn).

L'Ours et l'amateur des jardins. The Bear and the Gardener. Medvezhya usluga. Le pavé de l'ours. Ljósvetninga saga.

Flere land bruker ordet om en tjeneste som var vel ment men endte dårlig. Dansker kan misforstå historien og bruker ordet i enkelte sammenhenger om en stor tjeneste (som ender vel). Ungdom kan også bruke ordet om noe stort som gikk bra. Derfor omtales det som et pendelord - fordi dansker og ungdom kan bruke ordet i motsatt betydning.

Britisk variant er at de lager sitt eget vers om "The Hermit and the bear" som går slik:

Once a bear had a thorn in his foot (as they term it),
Which it seems was extracted from thence by a hermit:
So the beast felt so grateful, and pleased with the dervise,
That he offer’d to enter quite into his service.

So the hermit consented, at length, to the plan.
“Now then,” thought the bear, “I must do what I can
To make myself useful; and glad I shall be
If a service in turn shall be render’d by me.”

Not long after this, as the hermit was sleeping,
And the bear was the watch with great vigilance keeping;
On the nose of the former alighted a fly;
“O now,” thought the bear, “my best skill I must try.”

So he lifted his paw, and completed the process,
But crush’d with the fly his poor patron’s proboscis!
Up started the hermit—”Base villain,” said he,
“Is this the reward for my goodness to thee?”

The bear felt confounded, as any one would,
But explain’d the transaction as well as he could.
Said the hermit “Should flies settle on me again,
Be so kind, if you please, as to let them remain.
For I’d rather bave fifty of them on my nose,
Than one of your friendly but terrible blows.”

Let us always take heed, when we render a service,
That we serve not our friend as the bear did the dervise:
Some ills had much better, we know, be endured,
Than the pain, or the danger, of having them cured.

Written by D

Bagga

Written by D

Dagens ord er "Bagga" 

Bagga ble brukt av vikinger til å ta med seg ting i.

Vikingene dro til England og slo folk hardt i hodet mens de sa Bagga Bagga Bagga og pekte på den tingen de hadde andre ting i. Det er klart at britene forsto at de måtte bruke ordet.

"Bag" ble det, og nå tusen år senere er hevnen søtere enn poteter.... vi har fått ordet tilbake i litt kortere form enn det vikingene brakte med seg ut, men betydningen er den samme. "Bagga" og "Bag" er begge ting til å ha andre ting i.

En kuriositet er at på 90-tallet så dukket ordet "Bagga" opp igjen blant engelsk ungdom feks Manchester, men nå i betydningen "bag of shite"....

Written by D

Never Argue With A Woman

Written by D

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat.

He pulls up alongside the Woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking, "Isn't that obvious?"

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads and if you read this it's likely you also are intelligent.

Written by D

Wife

Written by D

Last year a friend of mine upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications.

He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable researcher. No mention of these particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that,

Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initializion where it can monitor all other system activity. He's finding that some applications such as PokerNigh 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to ruin the system at all, crashing the system when selected ( even though they always worked fine before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLow Beta release.

Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day. The features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include: ?

A 'Don't remind me again' button. ? Minimise button ? An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the opposition to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources. ?

An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode witch would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful. I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0.

Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You most uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first.

Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should been aware of. Apparently the version of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now.

To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system. Another thing that sucks ' all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

BUG WARNING Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistess 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself.

Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claming insufficient resources. BUG WORK-AROUNDS To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0.

Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that affect Wife 1.0. Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1. via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses witch can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet. 

Written by D

3- Minute Management Course

Written by D

 Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?" Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory." Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: BullS*** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate... Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: 1) Not everyone who sh!ts on you is your enemy 2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh!t is your friend 3) And when you're in deep sh!t, it's best to keep your mouth shut! This ends the 3-minute management course !

Written by D

Science Exam answers

Written by D

If you need a good laugh, read through these children's science exam answers...

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (Brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (The kid gets an A+ for this answer!)

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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Psychiatric obsessions

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young
mothers and their small children.

'You all have obsessions,' he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating.

You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.

Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol.

This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little
boy by the hand and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what
he's talking about. Let's go pick up your sister Fanny from school and
get dinner.

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Shortbread

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"Shortbread" har en historie som en skottsk dessert. Navnet kommer fra det engelske "shortening" som opprinnelig betydde grisefett men senere har smør blitt brukt istedenfor ettersom grisefett er mindre brukt. "Shortening" har blitt brukt om smult, delfiafett og margarin, men i shortbread skal ikke dette brukes, kun skikkelig smør. 

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Anagrams

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DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters: A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters: HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE : When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS: When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER

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The Pipe

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  1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal centered around the hole.
  2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length.
  3. All pipe is to be of the very best quality, perfectly tubular or pipular.
  4. All acid-proof pipe is to be made of acid-proof metal.
  5. Outer diameter of all pipe must exceed the inner diameter otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
  6. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
  7. All pipe is to be supplied without rust, as this can more readily be applied at the jobsite.
  8. All pipe is to be cleared free of any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles, or any form of manure before putting up, otherwise it will make lumps under the paint.
  9. All pipe over 500 feet long must have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each end so that fitter will know that it is a long pipe.
  10. Pipe over two miles long must also have these words painted in the midlle so that the fitter will not have to walk the full length of the pipe to determine is it is long pipe or not.
  11. All pipe over six inches in diameter is to have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it so that the fitter will not use it for small pipe.
  12. All pipe closers are to be open on one end.
  13. All pipe fittings are to be made of the same stuff as the pipe.
  14. No fittings are to be put on pipe unless specified. If you do, straight pipe becomes crooked pipe.
  15. Fittings come in all sorts of sizes and shapes. Be sure to specify the direction you are going when ordering.
  16. Fittings come bolted, welded or screwed - always use screwed. They are best - because all fittings end up screwed anyway.
  17. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts quite separate from the big hole in the middle.
  18. If flanges are to be blank or blind, the big hole in the middle must be filled with metal.
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Viktige sannheter om å bli gammel

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Gammel blir du uansett. Å bli voksen er mer frivillig.

Glem helsekost! Du trenger alle de konserveringsmidler du kan få i deg.

Når du faller, lurer du på hva du kan foreta deg mens du nå en gang er der nede.

Du er i ferd med å bli gammel når du blir like begeistret i en gyngestol som du en gang ble i en berg-og-dalbane.

Det er frustrerende å vite alle svarene når ingen gidder å stille deg alle spørsmålene.

Tiden kan lege alle sår, men noen stor kosmetiker er den ikke.

Visdom kommer med alderen. Av og til kommer alderen helt alene.

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Viktige sannheter erfart av voksne

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  1. Å oppdra en tenåring er som å spikre fast gele til en trestamme.
  2. Rynker gjør ikke vondt.
  3. Familier er som karameller - stort sett søte, men en og annen nøtt må du regne med.
  4. Det svære eiketreet du kan se i dag, var i går bare en eikenøtt som tviholdt på plassen sin.
  5. Latter er god trim; nærmest som en innvendig joggetur.
  6. Du er voksen når du velger frokostblanding etter fiberinnholdet og ikke etter leketøyet som følger med pakken.
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Viktige sannheter erfart av barn

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  1. Det er umulig å døpe en katt, uansett hvor mye du prøver.
  2. Når mamma er sinna på pappa må du ikke la henne børste håret ditt.
  3. Hvis søsteren din slår deg, så ikke slå igjen. De tar alltid andremann.
  4. Du må aldri be din tre år gamle bror om å holde en tomat.
  5. Ikke la hunden passe på maten din for deg.
  6. Du må aldri nyse når noen klipper håret ditt.
  7. Du må aldri holde en støvsuger og en katt samtidig.
  8. Det er ikke mulig å gjemme en bit med broccoli i et glass melk.
  9. Det beste stedet å være når man er lei seg, er på fanget til bestefar.
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Suksess

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  1. Suksess for en på 4 år er. . .. . å ikke tisse i buksa.
  2. Suksess for en på 12 år er. . . . å ha venner.
  3. Suksess for en på 18 år er. . . . å ha lappen.
  4. Suksess for en på 20 år er. . . . å ha regelmessig sex.
  5. Suksess for en på 35 år er. . . . å ha penger.
  6. Suksess for en på 50 år er. . . . å ha penger.
  7. Suksess for en på 60 år er. . . . å ha regelmessig sex.
  8. Suksess for en på 70 år er. . . . å ha lappen.
  9. Suksess for en på 75 år er. . . . å ha venner.
  10. Suksess for en på 80 år er. . . . å ikke tisse i buksa.
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Spydeberg engelsk !

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  • I had a stop in the start
  • I had to go off the road, to save the car
  • It wåss dæven døtte meg close ass..vell vell, vi have to see how the rest of the race go
  • I drove over the hill
  • I'm driving round the corner, and crash in the christmas tree.
  • It's not the fart that kills you, it's the smell
  • I had bad pigs in my dekk
  • It was a moose in the engine
  • but but, it is't only only you know
  • It wåss so møch dog on the window
  • When i keim around the kårner, it all went to Hælvette
  • The car understyrt ænd i was going strait fram
  • I just take full fart and Drive
  • It all went to hell in a verry crap sving!
  • They said it was a moose on the road but I was not afraid because they are so small, but then I saw a big forbanna elg!
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Potensielt vs realistisk

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Denne illustrerer godt forskjellen på potensielt i forhold til realistisk

En tolv år gammel gutt satt og gjorde lekser da han begynte å stusse
over forskjellen på to ord, så han spurte sin far:
Hva er forskjellen på potensielt og realistisk?

Faren svarte: Vel, gå og spør din mor om hun ville hatt sex med Brad
Pitt for ti millioner kroner.
Så spør du din søster om det samme, før du til slutt stiller din bror
det samme spørsmålet.

Gutten gikk ut på kjøkkenet og spurte sin mor: Ville du hatt sex med
Brad Pitt for ti millioner kroner?
Hans mor svarte: Jeg ville hatt sex med hvilken som helst mann for ti
millioner kroner. Brad Pitt ville bare vært en bonus.

Så gikk gutten inn på sin søsters rom og stilte det samme spørsmålet.
Også hennes svar var at hun ville hatt sex med Brad Pitt,
eller hvilken som helst mann, for ti millioner kroner.

Til slutt spurte han sin eldre bror, som svarte: Ja, det
ville jeg. Faktisk ville jeg hatt sex med hvilken som helst mann for
ti millioner kroner.

Gutten tuslet tilbake inn i stua og fortalte sin far hvilke svar han
hadde fått, og faren sa:
Vel, slik jeg ser det: Potensielt sitter vi på tredve millioner
kroner, ....men realistisk sett sitter vi igjen med to horer og en
homo.

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Livets fire stadier

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  1. Du tror på Julenissen.
  2. Du tror ikke på Julenissen.
  3. Du ER Julenissen.
  4. Få se nå.... hva var det igjen.... Akk ja.
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