Velg diskusjonspartner

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Diskutèr aldri med en idiot - det kan hende at folk ikke merker forskjellen.

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Søren Kierkegaard

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Setter du meg i bås, utsletter du min eksistens.

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Klok idiot

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En idiot som synes han er en idiot er av den grunn en klok mann. Idioten som synes han er klok er virkelig idiot.

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Alkohol og melk

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Alkohol løser ingen problemer. Men det gjør ikke melk heller.

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Miguel de Cervantes

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Vi kjenner aldri en tings verdi før vi har mistet den.

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Tiden

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Tiden står stille. Håper det bare er batteriet....

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Fotoshoppet

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"Fotoshoppet" er nå tydeligvis et nytt norsk ord som har sneket seg in fra engelske "photoshopped" hvor Emma Stone sin replikk "God, have you been photoshopped ..." når hun ser Gosling's sixpack i Crazy Stupid Love kanskje fremstår som den mest kjente og perfekte bruken. Photoshopping har sitt utspring i bilde redigerings og - manipuleringsprogrammet Adobe Photoshop, og nå blir det snart et godtatt norsk verb - å fotoshoppe - for beskrive noe som er en endring/manipulering av virkeligheten, hvis seriøse aktører som journalistene i Aftenbladet fortsetter med det. Kult ! så om litt kan vi kommunisere på følgende måte :
- ska du ? 
- google å fotoshoppe litt seff...

Så kan vi gå videre med å innføre nye ord som på tilsvarende måte gir kommersielle aktører tilgang språket slik at de slipper å bruke tid og penger på markedsføring og reklame:
å ringe - blir til - å aifonere
å drikke - blir til - å pepsiere
å kjøre - blir til - å tesla
å trene - blir til - å umbrodere
å fly - blir til - å ryanaire 

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Benjamin Franklin

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  • Vi må henge sammen, ellers kommer vi sikkert til å henge hver for oss.
  • Tre kan holde på en hemmelighet hvis to av dem er døde.
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Baudelaire

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Etter en utskeielse føler man seg bestandig enda mer ensom, enda mer forlatt.

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J. Pierport Morgan

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Et menneske har alltid to grunner for sine handlinger, en god grunn og den virkelige.

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Mother-in-law

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A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends in addition to my fiancée and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."

The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry."

She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."

"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"

"I don't like her."

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Tvil og tro

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Tvil er ikke det motsatte av tro, det er en del av troen.

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Takt og tone

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Takt er evnen til å fortelle en person at han har et åpent sinn, når han har hull i hodet.

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Prioritering

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Alt som kan gjøres når som helst - blir aldri gjort.

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Opp og ned

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Opp og ned er like langt men ikke like lett.

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Engasjement

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Du kan gi uten engasjement, men du kan ikke engasjere deg uten å gi.

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Latskap

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Effektivitet er intelligent latskap.

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Evig lykke

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Ingenting er bedre enn evig lykke. En tomat er bedre enn ingenting. Altså er en tomat bedre enn evig lykke.

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James Branch Cabell

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Av alt vi husker, er det ikke noe vi husker med mindre glede enn den fristelsen vi styrte unna.

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Gabriel Laub

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Hodet er den del av vår kropp som oftest kommer i veien.

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Lao Tsu

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  • Den dårlige leder er den som folk forakter.
  • Den gode leder er den folk ser opp til.
  • Den store leder er den som lar folk si : "Vi gjorde det selv".
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Hurra for alle mammaer!

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En gruppe 6-åringer svarte på disse spørsmålene:

Hvorfor lagde Gud mødre?
- Hun er den eneste som vet hvor plasteret er.
- Mest for å vaske huset.
- For å hjelpe oss til å bli født.

Hvordan lagde Gud mødre?
- Han brukte søle, akkurat som for de fleste av oss.
- Magiske evner og masse hyssing.
- Gud lagde mamma slik som han lagde meg, han bare brukte større deler.

Hvilke ingredienser er mødre laget av?
- Gud lager mødre av skyer og englehår og alt snilt i verden - og litt slemt.
- De måtte starte fra mannens ribben. Så brukte de mest hyssing tror jeg.

Hvorfor ga Gud deg din mor og ikke noen annens mor?
- Vi er i slekt.
- Gud visste at hun liker meg mye mer enn andre folks mødre liker meg.

Hvordan var din mamma da hun var liten pike?
- Min mamma har alltid vært min mamma og ikke noe annet tull!
- Jeg vet ikke for jeg var ikke der, men jeg tror hun må ha vært ganske sjefete.
- De sier at hun var ganske snill.

Hva måtte mamma vite om pappa før de giftet seg?
- Hans etternavn.
- Hun måtte vite om hans bakgrunn. Om han var en tyv? Eller om han ble full på øl?
- Om han tjente en million!
- Om han sa NEI til narkotika og JA til husarbeid?

Hvorfor giftet mamman din seg med pappan din?
- Pappa lager den beste spagettien i verden, og mamma spiser masse!
- Hun ble for gammel til å gjøre noe annet med ham.
- Min mormor sier at mamma ikke hadde tenkehetta på seg...

Hvem er sjefen hjemmet hos dere?
- Mamma vil ikke være sjef, men hun må for pappa gjør bare så masse rart!
- Mamma. Du ser det når hun skal se om jeg har ryddet rommet mitt. Hun ser det jeg har gjemt under senga.
- Jeg tror det er mamma, men bare fordi hun har mye mer å gjøre enn pappa.

Hva er forskjellen på mammaer og pappaer?
- Mamma jobber på jobb og jobber hjemme, og pappa jobber bare på jobb.
- Mammaer vet hvordan de skal snakke med læreren uten å skremme dem, og det er de du må spørre om du kan få overnatte hos venner. ..
- Mødre er nesten magiske for de får deg til å føle deg bedre helt uten medisin!

Hva gjør mamma når hun har fri?
- Mammaer har ikke fri.
- Hun forteller deg at hun må betale regninger hele dagen!

Hva må til for å gjøre din mamma helt perfekt?
- På innsiden er hun allerede perfekt. På utsiden - jeg tror litt plastisk kirurgi.
- Slankekur.
- Du vet, håret. Kanskje farge det blått?

Hvis du skulle forandre noen på mamman din, hva skulle det være?
- Hun har bestemt seg for at jeg må ha det ryddig på rommet mitt. Det ville jeg ha forandret på.
- Jeg ville gjort mamma lurere. Da ville hun visst at det var søsteren min som gjorde det, og ikke jeg.
- Jeg ville gjerne at hun ikke skulle hatt de øynene i nakken.

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Otto von Bismarck

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Aldri lyves det så mye som før et valg, under en krig og etter en jakt.

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Notes from parents

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Real notes written by parents. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.

2. Please exude lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being Absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Roland from p.e. For a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak..

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

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Kjensgjerninger

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Kjensgjerningene opphører ikke å eksistere fordi de blir ignorert.

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Taushet

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Taushet er det vanskligste argument å gjendrive.

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Hode og rumpe

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Det hender ikke ofte
men det kan dog slumpe,
at noen får til hode
hva andre får til rumpe.

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Francis Bacon

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  • Penger er som møkk, de er ikke godt til noe uten at de blir spredt.
  • Den beste måten å bevare minnet om gode gjerninger på, er å friske dem opp med nye.
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Grønt gress

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Gresset er alltid grønnere på andre siden av plenen.

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Problemløsning

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Millitærregimer løser ikke problemer - de skyter bare på dem.

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Benjamin "Dizzy" Disraeli

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Som alle store reisende, har jeg sett mer enn jeg husker, og husker mer enn jeg har sett.

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Fjerne tvil

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Det er bedre å holde kjeften og bli mistenkt for å være idiot enn å åpne den og fjerne enhver tvil.

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The Not To Be Millionaire

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NEW YORK - Idaho resident Kathy Evans brought humiliation to her friends and family when she set a new standard with her appearance on the popular TV show, 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.'

It seems that Evans, a 32-year-old wife and mother of two, got stuck on the first question, and proceeded to make what fans of the show are dubbing 'the absolute worst use of lifelines ever.'

After being introduced to the show's host Meredith Vieira, Evans assured her that she was ready to play, whereupon she was posed with an extremely easy $100 question. The question was:
'Which of the following is the largest?'
A) A Peanut
B) An Elephant
C) The Moon
D) Hey, who you calling large?
Immediately Mrs. Evans was struck with an all consuming panic as she realized that this was a question to which she did not readily know the answer.

'Hmm, oh boy, that's a toughie,' said Evans, as Vieira did her level best to hide her disbelief and disgust. 'I mean, I'm sure I've heard of some of these things before, but I have no idea how large they would be.' Evans made the decision to use the first of her three lifelines, the 50/50. Answers A and D were removed, leaving her to decide which was bigger, an elephant or the moon. However, faced with an incredibly easy question, Evans still remained unsure.

'Oh! It removed the two I was leaning towards!' exclaimed Evans. 'Darn. I think I better phone a friend.'
Using the second of her two lifelines on the first question, Mrs. Evans asked to be connected with her friend Betsy, who is an office assistant. 'Hi Betsy! How are you? This is Kathy! I'm on TV!' said Evans, wasting the first seven seconds of her call. 'Ok, I got an important question. Which of the following is the largest? B, an elephant, or C, the moon. 15 seconds hun.' Betsy quickly replied that the answer was C, the moon. Evans proceeded to argue with her friend for the remaining ten seconds. 'Come on Betsy, are you sure?' said Evans. 'How sure are you? Puh, that can't be it.' To everyone's astonishment, the moronic Evans declined to take her friend's advice and pick 'The Moon.' 'I just don't know if I can trust Betsy. She's not all that bright. So I think I'd like to ask the audience,' said Evans.

Asked to vote on the correct answer, the audience returned 98% in favor of answer C, 'The Moon.' Having used up all her lifelines, Evans then made the dumbest choice of her life. 'Wow, seems like everybody is against what I'm thinking,' said the too-stupid-to-live Evans. 'But you know, sometimes you just got to go with your gut. So, let's see. For which is larger, an elephant or the moon, I'm going to have to go with B, an elephant. Final answer.'

Evans sat before the dumbfounded audience, the only one waiting with bated breath, and was told that she was wrong, and that the answer was in fact, C, 'The Moon.'

millionaire 1millionaire 2

millionaire 3millionaire 4

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Virkelig

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Virkeligheten er en tilstand som skyldes mangel på alkohol.

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Ideer slår alt

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Det er nytteløst å sende armèer mot idèer.

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Courage

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A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it,  he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again  and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she  looks good enough, I'll go home."

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Carl Sandburg

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Fortiden er en bøtte med aske.

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Police Comments

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Actual statements from police car videos :

1. You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through.

2. Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile.

3. If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document.

4. If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.

5. Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you'

6. You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?

7. Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?

8. Warning! You want a warning? OK., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket..

9. The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?

10. Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.

11. Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.

12. In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.

13. How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?

14. No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can.

15. I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post you r bail.

16. You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here.

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