Old Smuggler told
Sir William that he saw
Paul Jones take
Lord Calverts daugther
Queen Anne out riding on his
White Horse down to
Royal Castle near
House of Lords and for a
Silver Dollar he laid her on the
Green Carpet with her
Bottom up and tickled her
Old Drum with
Three Feathers and took out his
Johnny Walker which was hard as a
Canadian Club and put it in her
Red Hackle and gave her a shot of
Cream of Kentucky which started
Life at work is like tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
You know your are growing older when:
- Everything hurts and what dosent't hurt dosen't work
- You get winded playing chess
- Your children begin to look middle aged
- You begin to outlive enthusiasm
- Your mind makes contracts your body can'y meet
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions
- You look forward to a dull evening
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going
- Your knees buckles and your belt won't
- You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation
- Dialing long distance wears you out
- Your back goes out more than you do
- You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones
- You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there
- The best part of your day is over when your alarm goes off
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power
Postulate 2: Time is Money
As every engineer knows, Work = Power*Time
Since Knowledge = Power and Time = Money, we have: Work = Knowledge*Money
Solving for Money, we get: Money = Work/Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity regardless of the Work done.
Conclusion: The less you Know, the more you Make!
A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip.
When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads.
She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."
He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says "Cover your snatch with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!"
The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
Pete invited his mother over for dinner.
During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome Pete's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Pete's sexuality and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two men interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Pete and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Pete volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Rob and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Rob came to Pete and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Pete said "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Pete
Several days later, Pete received a letter from his mother which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Rob, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Rob. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.